I get by with a little help from my friends

Thank you to everyone for their prayers and well-wishes. I am home and resting comfortably. The only sources of irritation during my ordeal have been that Goldie was reluctant to give up the sunny spot on the patio chaise lounge, and there was some minor drama surrounding the pain medications I was given. My career as a habitual narcotic drug user was cut short, and I will be forced to live the rest of my life as a plain ole grande non-fat vanilla latte addict.  C'est la vie!

Cuts like a knife...and it don't feel right

I have a mass on my left ovary. I'm having surgery tomorrow to find out what it is. Ironically, according to the ultrasound report my right ovary is completely normal. But nothing feels normal anymore. I have never felt so alone in my life.

It all started back in September when I started having a searing pain in my pelvis. It was like there was a red hot jawbreaker trapped in the crook of my thigh. A trip to the urgent care provided medicine for a yeast infection. A trip to the ob/gyn provided medicine for a bladder infection. My pain subsided -- but then came back with a fury after I had worked an eighteen hour shift on Election Day. I felt like I had a gunshot wound and spent two days in bed. I went back to urgent care. The nice doctor told me he thought it was a cyst and ordered an ultrasound. He told me to follow up with my ob/gyn. That's when I learned about the mass.

"It's just a cyst," I said positively.

"It's solid. Cysts are fluid-filled. It's not normal," said Dr. Kittur (which sounds like couture.) "It has to come out."

"But I feel much better now," I pleaded. "Can I just keep it?"

"Sure. We can wait. Do another ultrasound...and then we'll do the surgery in two months."

Getting out of the surgery was not an option...nor was getting out of spending the night in the hospital. I begged, cried and pleaded.

"I've never been in the hospital!"

"Yes, you have," Dr. Kittur responded. "Unless you were born at home, you just don't remember it."

Just my luck, I've managed to find the only doctor in the Santa Clarita Valley with a wicked, dry sense of humor. Just the kind of sense of humor that I usually find irresistible in men. Yessiree, I've met my match in Dr. Kittur, who, by the sound of it should look like Project Runway's Tim Gunn, but instead actually looks like combination of Statler and Waldorf -- the two muppets who used to argue in the balcony during The Muppet Show.


My age and health history make me a high risk candidate for ovarian cancer. In case you didn't know, ovarian cancer patients rarely have a good prognosis. I pointed this out to Dr. Kittur.

"Well, you're at high risk for uterine cancer too," he responded.

Ah yes! Wicked, wicked dry.

My closest friends and family seem overwhelmed with the news. They don't know what to do for me. The handsomest man alive has shouldered the burden of having to spend time with me in the days before the surgery. I've had my moments. He's been as solid as a rock. What else would you expect from the handsomest man alive?

I've also been given a big assist from the Xanax that was given to me by Dr. Kittur. It has helped. A lot. As I was leaving the office with the golden prescription in my hand that day, I heard him dictating his notes in his office.

"Patient has an anxious personality..." he said. I know I should've been insulted, instead all I could think was how that was THE understatement of the year.

I debated about whether or not to blog about my left ovary. It isn't what this blog was supposed to be about -- I was hoping to celebrate middle age. But life is what happens to you while you're making other plans. And so as much as I can, with as much bravery as I can muster -- I will try to continue to share here.

Here's what you can do. I really need to know that there are people reading this blog. I need comments and well-wishes to feel less alone. Of course, I need your prayers, but I'd also love it if someone could call me on the phone and discuss last night's episode of The Big Bang Theory. And please keep telling me that it's going to be okay, even if it's not going to be okay, because my definition of okay may never be the same again.

Daily Hot Flash

Photographic proof that Santa got my Christmas wish list. I wonder if George is on the nice list or the naughty list? Yeah. That's what I'm thinkin'. I've just gotta few articles of interest today. It's Monday, so I'm not quite up to speed.

• "Only one thing in the world could've dragged me away from the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window."

• This is Betty's favorite television viewing night of the year. Mark your calendars. This year's Kennedy Center Honors is broadcast on Dec. 30. Oh, and here's everyone looking all glammed up at the event this past weekend.

• Nina Foch was my acting teaching when I was at USC Film School. I was intimidated by her because I remembered her so distinctly in "An American in Paris." She never took a shine to me mostly I think because I didn't have any self-confidence -- something that she oozed from every pore. She was great at breaking down a scene, and making it make sense for an actor. A true actor's actor. The other thing she taught me was that if you want to seem sexy to a man then you should act as if you have secret. It will make you seem irresistible. I have attempted to use that technique on numerous occasions, but with little success. Nina was a bright light, and the world will be a little dimmer without her.

• Here's the top 20 trends in fashion in 2008...I doubt I hit one of them. And you?

• And they call it puppy love...home sweet home.

Cinderellavision

What I'll be watching this weekend...an adaptation of one of my favorite books by Jane Porter starring Heather Locklear. Set your Tivo! If you're a chick flirting with 40 you won't want to miss it!

Daily Hot Flash

• Best headline news story of the day...Old is the new sexy. I couldn't be more pleased.

• Start humming a happy song...because I need to get happy and I've got to catch it from someone. Doctor, doctor...give me some good news...I need the 'get happy' virus.

• Wallets are very thin this holiday season. Here's some tips on how to have happy holidays when unhappiness comes knocking at the door.

• Here's a little nugget that you might find very intriguing...who's taking over Hillary Clinton's desk in the Senate?

• Honestly, I can think of only one worthy punishment for this guy. What a turd!

• Go mad for Jon Hamm on 30 Rock.

Daily Hot Flash

• Oh happy day! I have a kindred spirit in Noelle Carter at the LA Times. It was brought to my attention yesterday that Carter, a self-professed 'bacon fanatic', prepared a list of 1001 things you can do with bacon. Number one on the list is a Candied Bacon Martini...my interest is piqued...but what really intrigues is the recipe for an Apple Bacon Coffeecake. Yummy!

• NHL thug and Vogue magazine intern Sean Avery proved he's got a way with the ladies this week when he referred to his ex-girlfriend actress Elisha Cuthbert as "sloppy seconds" in pre-game comments. Cuthbert is currently dating Calgary Flames superstar Dion Phaneuf. I think the one thing that Avery made crystal clear with his statement is that while he's dated way, way more than his fair share of beautiful women...they've all dumped his ass and he's a bitter and lonely man. I have a feeling he'll find that hooking up with sober chicks is going to be much more difficult for him. Girls love hockey, but we can tell the difference between guys with talent and guys with nothing. And yes, I am using the word 'talent' as a euphemism.

• The other dude who bent over backwards to make a gigantic ass out of himself this week was Pennsylvania Governor Ed "Yes, I'd love another doughnut! Why not? I'll take two." Rendell, who backhandedly complimented Arizona Governor Janet Napolitano as a good choice for Homeland Security Chief because she has "no family." Yes, despite the fact that this hard-working woman is smart -- she still has a vagina that might make her trip and fall down -- but since she's chosen not to use hers -- we can expect her to work 18 or 20 hours a day. Gosh, I don't know who should be more insulted -- unmarried women or working mothers. The one thing I think we can all agree on is that Rendell is a big fat boob. No wait -- boobies are good -- Rendell is a big fat moob. (That's a man-boob, Betty!)Let's face it -- with or without children -- women are capable and hardworking. I'm tired of the same old song about how women have to choose between children or a career. It's time to move on! Have we learned nothing from Hillary and Chelsea Clinton?

• I am the walrus...and I play the saxophone. Koo Koo Ka-choo!

• Cinderellas sell rocks when times are tough.

• Fashion designers submit sketches to Women's Wear Daily for Michelle Obama's inauguration gown. What will she wear?

Daily Hot Flash

I spent the morning in the doctor's office, so today's hot flash will have to be quicker than usual. That doesn't mean that it won't be just as much fun!

• I've been wearing her clothes all of my life...I can't afford it, but I would rock one of her outfits in a jiffy...if someone else paid the bill. I think Lilly Pulitzer is just one cool chick.

• Isn't this the premise of Devil Wears Prada? Someone is loving watching kharma coming back around to smack Anna in the backside. I loved the book because of all of the years I spent being someone's assistant. (Yes, I did it all...the kitchen sink and I wiped their butts!) But I have to admit that I think the screenplay is a better story...it's rare when that happens so I think it should be pointed out.

• I believe the headline of this article is "He's So Old." And I might add...he's only one year older than me. This does not make me happy.

• How fun would it be to have a signature scent created for yourself? You don't have to be one of the Olsen twins to make your dream come true.

• Oh, look! It's House Hunters International in the New York Times. How many BEAD-rooms does it have?