Clean Up in Aisle Four

Goldie isn't eating. So I'm eating for her in my grief. I won't mention the foods that I devoured without hesitation over the weekend. I think it's safe to say that I ate something from each of my four favorite food groups: crunchy, chewy, salty and sweet. I decided that this week I would revive my 'eat at home and eat healthy plan' of many weeks ago. So, I went to the Ralph's on my way home from work last night. It's such a pleasant time to be at a grocery store with all the other women on their way home from work in heels. You can tell everyone's feet hurt. And we're all wandering through the store in seach of inspiration with parts of nutritious meals in handbaskets when you know all we really want is to pick up a bake-at-home pizza and a bottle of cheap red wine and head home. Screw the 'eat at home and eat healthy' plan.

I was in the dairy section when a yogurt display caught my eye. The area on the shelf was almost completely empty, but there were a few FAGE yogurts way up on the top shelf. If I stood on my tiptoes, I could almost reach on in the very back. I consider FAGE yogurt to be one of the greatest inventions ever. I don't mean to endorse any products here, but I feel that one of the reasons I was able to lose a substantial amount of weight a few years ago was due to my love affair with FAGE 0% yogurt. The stuff is so creamy and delicious it tastes just like sour cream. I know what you're thinking....you've been told slugs 'taste like chicken' and you're wary. I understand. I was too, but I was converted. You can cover steamed broccoli with this stuff and it tastes like you're eating veggies covered in sour cream. Load it on a baked potato -- there are so few calories, it doesn't matter if you use up the whole container -- and you'll think you're having a sour cream baked potato, but you're not. Hardly any calories at all. It's magic. It's the magic elixir. The only problem with the yogurt is that it is only available at Trader Joe's. And while I love Trader Joe's, I feel like I risk life and limb every time I enter one of their parking lots.

Regular humans turn into assassins in Trader Joe's parking lots. It's like there's something in the air around the building. They WILL kill you for a parking space, let there be NO doubt in your mind. So you can imagine my delight and surprise when I spotted FAGE yogurt on the top shelf in the back of my regular Ralph's dairy section.

I reached up and pulled one of the containers down. It wasn't the kind I used to buy. I liked it plain so I could use it in savory dishes. This one had fruit mixed in it. There were some yogurt containers way way in the back, perhaps that was the stuff I was looking for. There was a milk man behind the dairy case when I reached for the container. He said something to someone. I couldn't see his face or any part of his body. I could hear him -- just barely. The refrigeration unit was blowing, I couldn't hear what he said. I reached for another container and managed to pull that yogurt toward the front of the shelf, but I still wasn't able to get it in my hand. The guy said something to someone. Again. I wasn't listening. I was intent on my task. I shifted my hand cart to the other side and reached up for the container with my long arm. Just as I got it in my grasp, the container was snatched from fingers. This time the unseen guy shouted, "lady, I told you the dates on the FAGE have EXPIRED!" I looked to my left and right. Yes, there were people watching. I hung my head in shame and scurried away to the cracker aisle.

I think I might just attempt the Trader Joe's parking lot tonight in order to get some of that yogurt. Enduring the wrath of angry parkers at Trader Joe's might be slightly less humiliating than the shame of enraging Ralph's milk man.