Friday, August 29, 2008

Morning Hot Flash August 29, 2008

Just because she has a vagina, doesn't mean Sarah Palin can fill Hillary's shoes. She did come in second place in the 1984 Miss Alaska I guess she's perfect to take over Dick Cheney's office. As one of millions of Hillary Harridans, I'm incredibly insulted. Can you imagine if Hillary had become the Democratic nominee and John McCain picked a random black Republican as his running mate to get the black voters who were behind Obama over to his side? There would be rioting in the streets. McCain is such a geezer.

As I'd always
the event of a 'water landing' your flotation device is completely useless...just get into the brace position with your head between your legs and kiss your ass good-bye.

Tim Gunn has
impeccable taste. Even if he says not-so nice things about my girl Jennifer Aniston.

What did you do on your
Summer staycation?

Colorado has been recently
visited by more stars than in all of the Milky Way.

I hope
Cindy McCain remembers that you choose your friends not your family.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Morning Hot Flash August 28, 2008

The pretty boy hosts of MSNBC have been cat-fighting on and off their television playground. The president of MSNBC says not to worry, it's just boys being boys. MSNBC's Democratic convention headquarters is at Union Station in Denver, and the other night it was a train that added a little levity to the situation. Peep it here.

John McCain has reached a decision. Will he pick a woman? Or should Mitt Romney pick out a nice tie while the Obama/Biden campaign stamps its new campaign slogan, "Two men...two houses" on T-shirts?

German Chancellor Angela Merkel tops Forbes' list of the world's most powerful women. She immediately declined George Bush's kind invitation for a celebratory back rub.

Who made the best dressed list at the DNC in Denver? Check out the website of the Chicago-based designer who tops Michelle Obama's fav list.

Michael Phelps will host 'Saturday Night Live' the week of Sept 13 in his dolphin swim suit. Ok, the swim suit part is wishful thinking.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

What's Wrong With This Picture?

I'm not in it.

Morning Hot Flash August 27, 2008

  • Remember how much we all hated Marcel on Top Chef? Ok, well all that collective bad karma has finally gotten him in trouble. Or maybe it was the wine...

  • Turns out Elizabeth Edwards was supposed to go public with the shame and humiliation of her husband's affair. What do you suggest, exactly? That she pass out flyers at the Post Office that proclaim, "My husband's a cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater?"

  • A&F stores all smell really good, but I'm so glad that I'm too fat and old to fit into their clothes.

  • My homegirl, Kathleen Sebelius, was an opening act for Hillary last night at the DNC. Just in case you missed her speech, not only did she illuminate Obama's strengths to the hard-to-win over rural voters, she kicked John McCain in the moneymaker with wit and eloquence. Rock on, sister!

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

I Can See Clearly Now

A couple months ago I went to the eye doctor to get a new contact lens prescription. I was overdue for an update. The nice optometrist at Costco told me that I would need reading glasses. I scoffed. I'd been fighting it for a few years, but the minute I had my new contacts installed -- I couldn't see my checkbook to pay for the exam. I knew I had a problem. They sold reading glasses at Costco, but they came in a three-pack. "I don't need three pairs." I just need one. Ha! The other night I forgot my reading glasses when we went out to dinner, I nearly burst into tears when I had to have the menu read to me like I was a three year-old child. Needless to say, I finally purchased a very stylish pair of reading glasses at Wal-Mart. Christie Brinkley reading glasses. Yes, the former Sports Illustrated swim suit model, who every man in the world wanted to get with, is now selling reading glasses to women over 40. Christie is over 50, and still incredibly gorgeous, and I know a girl's got to earn a living, got me thinking about...stuff.

June Allyson was one of the most beautiful actresses ever in Hollywood. Do you remember her as a gorgeous young starlet? Me neither. I only know she was a sexy hot, hot, hottie because of photos I've seen of her while she was having a torrid romance with dapper Dean Martin. Yes, that Dean Martin. I remember June Allyson as the elderly spokesperson for Depends adult diapers. What about Florence Henderson? She was the sexy mom to six kids on Brady Bunch when I was growing up. Now? She's the new spokesperson for Polident denture cleanser. Can you believe it? I don't deny any of these over 40 chicks the right to make bacon, but I do think that you also need to think about how you want to be remembered.

That's why I'm hoping that Hillary Clinton realizes that everyone is waiting for her to say something to inspire the PUMAs. (It stands for Party Unity My Ass. The PUMAs are mostly middle-aged women who are pissed off because they're feeling underserved by the Democratic party and they're threatening to toss their votes to McCain.) These chicks watched women make inroads in equality and justice in the 70s and then watched the passion for their cause die down to a whimper in the 80s. That's tough. They supported Hillary's campaign and now...they can't let go. So tonight, I'm hoping Hillary says something inspirational that will let them let go. Obama needs their support. Let that be Hillary's legacy to the Democratic party. I'm proud of her and the eighteen million cracks she made in the glass ceiling, but I think backing Barack may further her career more than an endorsement of a depilatory product. Not that she would ever need or consider such an endorsement...I'm just saying we've already got Nair. Go girl!

Morning Hot Flash August 26, 2008

  • I love 'Mad Men' on AMC. I couldn't believe it when I discovered it last summer. It was so steamy and fun. Season Two took awhile to get rolling, but it's getting really good. Nothing is as it seems. And Jon Hamm's not just a pretty face, he's also nominated for an Emmy.

  • A couple of years ago, one of my dearest friends and I went to Las Vegas for my birthday. She was seven months pregnant. I was 40. As we went through the security checkpoint, she was pulled aside by a TSA Agent who said, "You've been selected for a random wanding." I was indignant. "Why is she being selected?" I demanded. "It's obvious she's been wanded more recently than I have!" I haven't flown a lot recently, but I must admit that this is one of the things that I live in fear of happening to me.

  • I know I should work out and watch what I eat more than I do. I'm starting to get some middle-aged bulges here and there that make me cringe when I look in the mirror. But I'm not sure I want to be able to crack walnuts in my armpits and crush men's skulls like canned hams between my thighs when I'm 50 either.

  • Last night we watched the crawl on MSNBC go by for hours that made reference to the Florida 'Straights.' Three hours into it, I couldn't take it anymore and I sent an email to MSNBC through their website. Within fifteen minutes, we noticed that it had been changed to 'Straits.' I was so feeling my power.

  • The DNC kicked off with a lot of heart between the tribute to Ted Kennedy and Obama's kids stealing the spotlight from their mother (Am I the only one who LOVES Michelle Obama's retro Jackie-O style?), but there was plenty of nasty going on in Denver. Three MSNBC dudes got into a bitchy cat-fight on national television. Keith Olberman, Chris Matthews and Joe Scarborough prove women don't own giving each other attitude.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Extra Tit-Bits

  • Most. Watched. Olympics...Ever!

  • The home of the Beatles and Williams Shakespeare is already suffering from an inferiority complex. They labor unions are bringing them down. Did they not know they're also home to Andrew Lloyd Webber and Elton John and the other queen, what's her name...Elizabeth? They all know how to put on a show.

  • Joe-bo-bama best-seller!

  • The, I'm so-sure it's lovely, farm community of Turlock (rolls off the tongue, doesn't it?) in the Central Valley of California overlooks the usual nuptial need for photographic splendor and says 'Bring on the brides!' Nothing says 'happily ever after' better than the smell of cow manure!

  • I am as green as Kermit T. Frog.

Morning Hot Flash August 25, 2008

  • Does anyone have any suggestions as to what I should do with my free time now that the Olympics are over? I honestly don't have any idea what I used to do with myself in the evenings before the digitally enhanced opening ceremonies in Beijing. Oh,'s a little something that will take up some time this week...and I have a feeling that some of the speeches will provide me with more than ample opportunities for nap time.

  • Misty May-Treanor! You just won the gold medal in beach volleyball at the Olympics, what are you going to do now? Zoinks!

  • There are three chick flicks coming out this fall? Three!!! I demand a recount.

  • Just another reminder to never matter what...judge a book by its cover.

  • I used to work as an administrative assistant to a yoga instructor. She would freak me out by screaming, 'Namaste!' at people she was fighting with over the phone. My current yoga instructor is the most intense person I've ever encountered. If I had to describe her, I would use the word 'brittle.' But I love the little old building where the classes are held with the high ceilings, skylights and polished wooden floors. The people in the class are friendly including an elderly couple in the back of the room who sweetly assist each other as they attempt to twist their bodies into the yoga positions. Now and then the teacher barks at them to be QUIET!!!! So I'm not completely conviced that the yoga is the thing to take the edge off of menopause...