FWD: Jokes From Betty

Every third email I get from my mom has been forwarded from one of her friends. She doesn't erase the other information that is forwarded and the joke is often found at the bottom of a long list of email addresses. I think that forwarded jokes via email have become as much a part of a retirement lifestyle as early bird dinner specials and wintering in Florida. The jokes are old and never fail to make me laugh.

From: "Mom"
Date: July 24, 2008 10:54:41 AM PDT
To: [Sarah]
Subject: FWD: Luigi

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've a-tried to treat-a her nice, spend the money on her, but best is that I took-a her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!"

The Priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary."

Luigi proudly replied, "I'm a-gonna go and get her."

Morning Hot Flash July 25, 2008

• If you haven't had the chance to get to know Carnegie-Mellon Professor Randy Pausch, it's not too late. He lost his battle with cancer last night, but he left a lasting legacy of how to celebrate your life -- no matter how long it might be -- in his "Last Lecture." It is especially poignant for those of us in their "middle years" who often find ourselves humming the lyrics to the Dionne Warwick version of "What's It All About, Alfie?" Due to his death, his website is jammed today, but you can link up to it here and send your condolences to his family. My heart goes out to his wife and their children. Losing a father is a wound that only fades with time.
  


• I am the queen of road rage in L.A. traffic, but this guy's got to get in touch with his sense of humor.
  


• Super hot supermodel still hot over 40...what a shocker! Somebody alert the media!
  


• If someone else is footing the bill for my Botox, then I wouldn't mind being the world's oldest living bridesmaid.

Extra Tit-Bits

• This is just the kind of article that makes a gal over 40 flip out!

• Have you been following the John Edwards love baby story? Did you notice that the mainstream media didn't pick-up the story from the National Enquirer? Have you noticed that there's been radio silence from the Edwards' camp? Me too. Read more about it here and here.

• If you love "Mad Men," you're gonna flip over this.

• She's the Gordie Howe of the WNBA. You go, girl!

Morning Hot Flash July 24, 2008

• Did they think I bought The Devil Wears Prada because the name Prada was in the title? Seriously?
  


• Turns out if you win "Project Runway" then you don't have to make clothes that people can actually afford. That's fierce!
  


• Neil Patrick Harris finds a role worthy to follow his ground-breaking performance in Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle.

• Did anyone else read From The Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler when they were a kid? It was one of my favorite books -- two kids runaway from home and hide-out in the Metropolitan Museum of Art for a week -- living off of the funds collected from the museum's fountain at night. Well, times are tough and you can't live like that anymore.

Lit Link-Up

When I was in third grade I won the citywide award from the Dearborn Public Library for the most books read over the summer. I went to film school, but I love books. I consider libraries to be my homes away from home. Bookstores are my soul. If truth be told, I would rather go to Barnes & Noble than See’s Candies. My wildest daydream involves owning a used bookstore on a cobblestone street in Edinburgh…and then Gerard Butler walks in…whoops, wrong kinda dream.

So you can imagine how thrilled I was to discover the Internet is a great place to link up to author’s websites. Most of them are prepared by the writer’s publisher – with little regard to anything other than selling books. Fortunately, I have discovered a few gems.

Stephenie Meyer is the author of "Twilight." The first in the incredibly popular four-book series about a teen girl who falls in love with a vampire. Simple…yes. Done before…yes. But Stephanie is a fantastic storyteller and her prose is completely engaging.

Go make a cup of tea and get yourself some sort of chocolate-flavored baked good. Go on! Okay, then go visit her website. The story of how this suburban mother of three became a publishing phenom will inspire you. She got rejected!!! And she’s honest about it. And angry about it. Stephenie Meyer gets why you’ve Googled her, and her website lets your imagination be just as richly detailed as hers.

Oh, and yes – It IS going to be a movie. You can hit the trailer here.

Extra Tit-Bits

• As if we haven't all had enough 'cheating hearts' news for one week, Star magazine is throwing more mud at the fan. I'm gonna need another mocha ice blended to get through all this heartbreak.

• The only video game I played was tennis on my Dad's Atari computer. This news could change all that.

• David Letterman isn't the only one with a crush on Terri Garr. I've had a girl crush on her for as long as I can remember. She recently had a long discussion about many of the roles she's played in her incredible career over at the Onion's AV Club. She spent some time with them, so you will need to make some time to settle in and read what she has to say. She's more fabulous and funny than ever!

Sweet Painted Cat Lady

One of my biggest fears as I grow older is that I will turn into a crazy cat lady. I am a single woman of a certain age and by all rights I should be wearing floral caftans, feeding fourteen or fifteen stray cats in the carport, while muttering wicked words under my breath in front of the neighbor's horrified children. Because of my fear of becoming a crazy cat lady, I only have one cat. I don't wear caftans, but I do feel really bad about wearing my slippers in the carport when I take the garbage out. Seems like a just a short slide from wearing slippers outside to wearing a caftan. But I digress. If I ever attempted a stunt like this on my own cat, I would be killed...and no one would ever find the body.

Morning Hot Flash July 23, 2008

• It's Wednesday...and around my house that means Tim Gunn rules! For the whole hour.

• It's not an official girl fight unless they're in Jell-O.

• When my dad died, his boss came and took aways his home computer. There was never any talk about a job.
  

• I love this idea, but do you know how many emails I delete every day about drugs that will make my penis larger? I'm fairly certain I could quickly learn to ignore these emails too.
  


• It doesn't matter which side of the political fence that you stand on -- this website provides a daily round-up of political articles that keep you abreast of exactly who is leading the horse race that is the 2000 Presidential campaign. Bookmark it!
  


• Disney picks two white dudes to replace Ebert & Roeper on At the Movies. How refreshing!
  
  
• Godspeed, Heather Locklear! May rainy days and Dr. Christmas Jones never get you down.

Extra Tit-Bits

• Say it ain't so. I'm not one to go believing anything I read in the National Enquirer. And if John Edwards was going to stray, I was really hoping that it would be with me. Of course I don't know one woman who hasn't told me the same thing. If it is true, Obama's short list just got a little shorter.

• She made being an old woman look good.

• Katie thinks she's first lady...of what I do not know.

• Alec Baldwin just got pissy with Diane Sawyer. The oh-so talented character actor is hawking a new book about his dirty divorce from Kim Basinger. You know, the woman who is the mother of his rude little pig. It's just a good thing that Diane doesn't know anyone powerful in the film business who could blackball Alec's ass into the next century.
  

Morning Hot Flash July 22, 2008

• Because it's really all about moi!

• It's time to say goodbye. I'll miss "Ebert & Roeper", but I think their film critic format was out-of-date. And I really hated the fact that they couldn't ever have a woman on the show who liked 'Chick Flicks' without insulting her...and then without missing a beat they'd go on to breathlessly recommend a total 'Dick Flick' like Wanted as ground-breaking cinematic entertainment for grown-ups. Puh-leze!

• Jay Leno's stint as the host of the 'Tonight Show' is also coming to an end. I still miss Johnny Carson.

• On the other hand, I wouldn't mind watching these guys do movie reviews.

• The cast of "Mad Men" celebrates their well-deserved Emmy nominations...and Jon Hamm speaks. No, I didn't really care if he could conjugate verbs, but it's a bonus knowing that he can.

• The 'Dark Knight' has a dark night...and a not-so hot morning after.

• After being photographed all over Italy with his hands all over Sienna Miller's machine-gun jubblies, Balthazar Getty wants you to know that he wasn't 'technically' cheating on his wife. Phew! I feel so much better now.

Extra Tit-Bits

• Justin Timberlake didn't make the obligatory "honk, honk" sound when he touched Janet Jackson's boobies on national television -- exposing one of her nipples for a fraction of a second -- so CBS will not be forced to pay the exorbitant fine imposed on them by the FCC.

• NASCAR covergirl Danica Patrick got into a towel-tossing match with buxom Brazilian driver Milka Duno. Personally, I'm so hoping for a Pinky Tuscadero-style demolition derby to settle this throw down. But you know somewhere in the world there's a NASCAR marketing executive who wants them to settle their differences in Jell-O wearing tear-a-way bikinis.

• This is just the kind of thing that makes me ready to rumble...International brain trust and spokeswoman for female empowerment, Brooke Hogan, doesn't believe a woman should be President of the United States. She doesn't believe in dinosaurs either...but girlfriend does believe in unicorns!

Morning Hot Flash July 21, 2008

• Batman makes bank. Big bank. Oh, and that Heath Ledger fellow...he totally rocks it.
  


• I don't think Jessica Simpson got booed because she isn't worthy. I think it's just that we're all tired of her dad trying to repackage his sort-a kind-a talented kids, and reintroduce them to us just to make more money...I think the Simpsons need to be grateful that they already have more than their fair share of the pie. Doh!
  


• This guy is the real-life Kumar. Makes me wonder if his best friend is named Harold.
  


• No! I don't want to do any home repairs around my house. I just want to lay on the sofa and watch other people do home repairs around their house on the television and then criticize their style choices.
  


• George Clooney wants me. Yes, I am delusional...but I can't stop watching this video.